What is avoiding conflict costing you?

One of the greatest fears we have as humans is the fear of conflict.

It’s innate, inherited from our primate narrative. 

In early days, conflict that escalates to fight could end in death.

So we now instinctively avoid conflict. 

Much like most fears, I’ve come to recognize that conflict is actually not a real threat but rather an opportunity for growth. Little that we fear these days, as you’ve heard me say often, is actually life-threatening. Today, I want to take on the fear of conflict. 

In my childhood, I learned to fear conflict because my father had a very angry temper.

When upset, his mood could quickly escalate to rage, so my survival instincts taught me to avoid conflict at all costs. 

When married, my X had a similar temperament so I repeated my pattern of reacting to conflict with avoidance. Little did I know that building the muscle that comes from facing conflict is essential in thriving relationships. In my mind, not having conflict meant we were stronger somehow than other couples; this was so not the truth. This new awareness that conflict is normal and to be expected has richly expanded my view of what’s possible when we embrace conflict and expect more positive outcomes. It is with this spirit that I share today 4 Insights Gained from Conflict

Important note: This information does not apply to life-threatening, abusive relationships. I do not condone nor do I tolerate violence of any kind. If you are in such a relationship, seek help. Get out. Protect yourself and your children. There is no rationalizing or growing in a violent partnership. 

1) Conflict presents the opportunity to understand our partner’s needs and increase our connection.

Even when they aren’t able to remain calm, if we are able to regulate our emotions and trust their love, we can learn important information to improve the relationship that might not otherwise be communicated. This isn’t intuitive but rather a practice we have to cultivate. 

When we trust our love, we can hold space for our partner to come unraveled, knowing that they are struggling to communicate coherently. In this space and remaining unraveled, we can ask clarifying questions to better understand what is causing their pain. When we do, we build stronger bonds of trust and learn more deeply about their needs. We literally open up new territory for expansion of our love.  Avoiding conflict eliminates this possibility. 

2) Conflict teaches us that we can cope.

No matter what we endure, we will survive. In fact, it is the tough conflicts in our lives that create fortitude and resilience.  Enduring conflict builds our emotional muscles and allows us to more fully own our power during other challenges in life. This can be exceptionally challenging for women who have been taught that they don’t have the right to speak up. Yet, it is time. All around us, we’re seeing examples of times changes and spaces made available that weren’t in the past. As women, we can see how much we’ve endured and the toll it took on us when we didn’t have our voice. Which leads beautifully into point #3.

3) Conflict can provide a catalyst for self-love. 

Much like point #1, as women, we too may need to create some tension in order to be heard. A phrase we used often in my home growing up was, “I can’t read your mind," as my mother refused to share her desires and needs. The result? She saw herself as self-less and we often saw her as a martyr. Your needs are worthy and deserving of being honored and met. Loving yourself enough to ask for what you need, even when it may cause some conflict, is required now for the evolution of women everywhere. When we speak up, we give other women and permission to do the same. It can be one of the most important acts of courage we ever encounter.

4) Conflict can create awareness needed to end bad behavior.

A fascinating study showed how animals in a fight submit to their predator upon realizing that they are losing the fight. When they do this repeatedly, the predator becomes more aggressive. The conflict, without interruption, exacerbates aggressive  behavior.  Put another way, a bully stays in power until we find the courage to face them head on and resolve the conflict. 

I’ve begun to look at conflict as a signal for change. Where is something or someone needing more growth? Where can a light be shown so that more truth bubbles to the top? Conflict may be presenting unhealthy patterns that will not end unless we take action to end them. In doing so, we interrupt the cycle that would otherwise perpetuate. 

Thinking it will end and doing something to ensure it ends are very different. 

The truth is that conflict can actually create more harmony when viewed from the conscious eye. With each party leaning into rather than avoiding conflict, there is growth and understanding with each compromise. We learn to hold the tension of your needs and the needs of others and we align more fully with the premise of unconditional love. 

Ask yourself today - Where am I avoiding conflict and what it is costing me?

Investigate what would happen if I trusted more, took more time to gain a stronger footing and more calm, and leaned into the conflict before you. 

I’d love to hear your stories! Share what you learn. 

Cheering you on and into fierce courage and growth!