Lose the Expectations!
Many years ago, my sister and I made a pact after moving away from our home town.
We agreed to have no expectations of anyone when we came back for visits.
It was a simple act that helped ease the pain of disappointment when I’d travel thousands of miles across the country, only to find that many folks had their own plans and lives going on; it wasn’t always convenient to carve out the gaps of quality time together that I had hoped for.
Whenever someone let my sister or I down, we’d discuss our heartache, rambling for hours in our story, then circling back to the phrase, “I guess I forgot not to have any expectations.”
Practice Commitment
We took pride in our commitment to “lose the expectations”. It seemed like a healthy, honorable practice to avoid being hurt.
When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, I learned to curb my expectations of how people would show up for her. Some in her community eagerly came to her side, happy to return the love that she had given to so many through the years.
Others disappeared, as if cancer were contagious.
I was angry. How could these friends be so callous?
Why didn’t they want to be love warriors in this especially tender time in mom’s life and in mine? When I settled back into not having expectations, I created an armor from those who I deemed insensitive. After all, I had created lots of stories in my head about what the right way was to be with those you care about. Many missed the mark.
Viewing Expectations Differently
Then, one day, when sharing my angst with a dear friend and fellow spiritual teacher, she said something exceptionally profound. She invited me to view expectations differently.
At first, she asked me how I feel when I think about the people for whom I have no expectations. I had to admit, there was a lot of judgment. She had my attention.
From her perspective, she shared that expectations are a form of control. Expectations are our way of putting frames in place of how someone must be in order for us to approve of them. This attitude leaves no room for us to be delighted by an outcome we didn’t intend. More importantly, it is void of unconditional love. (Yikes!)
She continued. When we eliminate expectations, not to keep from being hurt or angry, but rather to allow the other person to be whatever they need to be, we open ourselves to the possibility of more connection and understanding. We allow others to be authentic, real, human.
“Expectation is the root of all heartache.” - Shakespeare
To this I would add, because a heart with expectations is a restricted heart. I’m trying to eliminate any and all expectations I have of others. Instead, I’m trying harder to understand how they tick, without taking any of this personally.
In the process, I’m now able to see more clearly their insecurities and fears and pains and accept them right where they are, knowing that I would hope they’d do the same for me.
How powerful it is when we can meet in the messy bits and love each other none-the-less.
Just saying.
Wishing you all a love-filled week ahead!
Big Love,
Sara
PS: If judgement feels hard to shake and you’d really like to leave it in your rear-view mirror, let’s connect. A life filled with more unconditional love is easier than you might think. It’s one of my specialties. You can test drive my work via one of the ways below completely risk free.