Eliminate (Holiday) Expectations!

Tis the season - for holiday celebrations and all things (not) so merry!

I’ve been prepping my clients for the inevitable frustrations that arise when we roll into this time of year. It’s likely that you’ll find yourself irritated and possibly down-right angry these next few weeks, despite all well-meaning intentions otherwise. 

To help put more joy in your celebrations, my biggest suggestion is to ditch your expectations. 

Yes, lose your expectations so that you can make the most of this important time. 

I’m here to put expectations in a new light. 

Here’s a perspective you might not have seen previously.  

Expectations establish a no-win power struggle.

Having expectations means you’ve predetermined how things need to go in order for you to be happy. Meanwhile, many variables in the day are well beyond your control. Do your expectations, for example, account for the differences of opinions from other parties involved? Whose ‘agenda’ will win? Ultimately, having expectations is a recipe for disappointment.

Having expectations is cruel.

When you have expectations, you establish benchmarks for success that typically go  uncommunicated to the participants who are required to deliver upon these benchmarks. It’s like setting goals for team members and never telling them the target they need to hit in order to succeed. No one wins. 

If you expect anything, expect the same behavior.

If you have a cousin that always drinks too much and acts inappropriately - or  if Sally drones on for hours about her health issues, taking all the festive mood south, is it realistic to believe they'll behave any differently this year? (Think Einstein’s definition of insanity: “...doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”)

Expect yourself to respond differently now.

Determine your game plan for best dealing with all improprieties. If you’ve been doing your work, you’ll know what actions work best for you. What ‘inner game’ steps (deep breaths, compassion, and forgiveness) and outer game steps (setting and communicating boundaries, leaving the space, discreetly changing the subject) could you execute for better results now?

Plan ahead for the imminent bedlam. 

How long will you stay in a triggering event before taking action? Set a benchmark for yourself and commit to taking action. 

You might choose to use Mel Robbin’s popular “5.4.3.2.1” technique to take courageous action. When you recognize yourself needing to change your behavior (old response to the trigger), silently count backwards from five to one and then, immediately upon reaching one, take the desired step you’ve pre-planned in response to the triggering event. (The longer you hesitate, the more you lose confidence and willpower to initiate a better action.)

Engage your sense of wonder.

No one likes these difficult situations, yet if you’re truly interested in managing life’s stressors, the holidays can be the most fertile ground to master the life-changing skills you’re cultivating. 

Instead of allowing yourself to feel wounded by others’ behavior, can you turn a light on what they’re teaching you about yourself in the moment? What about the situation is bothering you most? Is your response actually a shadow aspect of yourself (likely). Can you envision no longer reacting but rather responding from your highest state now? 

Recruit support. 

Importantly, expect the holidays to be challenging emotionally and decide to give yourself some grace. Even those of us most experienced with this work can get provoked during the holidays and in need of trusted council and/or allies. If you find yourself pushed to your edge, who can you turn to to nudge you back on firm footing? Recruit them in advance and agree on a ‘plan of attack’, be it a hug, a code word, or wink - whatever works best for you - to keep you from spiraling downwards. 

If you struggle to have the support and tools needed to deal with the holidays well, how is this negatively impacting other areas of your life? I’ve found that what you do in one area of your life you do in all areas of your life, so cracking the code on this is likely costing you more than you recognize. I’d love to help you regain your footing and power. With over 20 years of experience doing the same for others, I’m confident you too will see surprising and meaningful results. Reach out HERE to see what this could mean for you.

May your holidays truly be calm and bright.