Building Connection with Others

Whether it’s the effects of COVID or just my age, I notice more and more that we are all longing for meaningful connection with others. As an introvert, even I have become keenly aware of the fragile line between enjoying my space and quiet and loneliness. Humans need connection with other humans. It’s basic ingredient of a healthy ecology.

Yet we spend an inordinate amount of time fearing rejection, creating nightmare scenarios in our minds about why someone will find us different, unlikeable, uninteresting — fearing being cast out by the herd, a process in nature by which the one rejected is likely to perish.

So we fixate on how to change our appearance to be more appealing and our clothing to be like our other tribe members. In other words, our focus is on the chasm between us that feels impossible to span, with little to no effort on investigating how we might already be similar. 

Think about it. What an incredibly wasteful and destructive way to live.

What if you had some tools to change this pattern? What if you could actually have rapport with others faster, find connections and common ground easily? (Valuable, yes?)

Today I want to give you my 8 ways to build connection with others, because we need to know that we are more alike than dissimilar. 

Eliminate all potential biases. 

We tend to size-up people upon first impressions, but we shouldn’t actually judge a book by it’s cover. Begin with a clean slate and decide to be surprised. The sheer shift in energy sets the stage for greater rapport. 

Choose to find common ground. Again, a shift in focus and energy, elect to find something mutually shared about your life experience within a short window of time. Then engage them with curiosity and an open mind. Depending on the circumstances, a rapid fire game of “Have you ever” can lead to escalating similarities fast.  

Ask meaningful questions that allow others to share something of value for them and require more than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. For example, “If travel weren’t restricted at all, where would you go?” Or “What are the best lessons you’ve learned about yourself during this pandemic?” Make sure to avoid questions that are more likely to polarize (like political  or religious views). Everyone loves to talk about themselves and things that are affecting their lives. Don’t be afraid to learn something deeper, beyond the common, “How are you?”

Let them know they were heard. We’re all distracted by our devices and studies show that one of the things we all crave most is actually being seen and heard. You can repeat by parts of their answer to show you were listening and especially key is to use their words. “I was thinking about how you said you “…especially like the mountain air in summer. That sounds like it would be really peaceful.” It sounds simple, but you’ll be amazed at how seldom we have the experience of being genuinely understood, which works wonders for creating connection whether we share the position or not. 

Build a bridge with deeper questions. If they’re engaging and seemingly enjoying the connection, keep going. “Have you ever felt like…” or “Have you ever been to…” (or similar questions) can help bridge something they shared to something you also value or appreciate.  

Intentionally decide to agree. This takes practice but can be one of the most powerful ways to keep from causing disconnection. It’s a sign of higher consciousness to recognize that there is room for all opinions. A person is entitled to their views. Their views were created because of their circumstances, experiences and their spiritual/developmental level, as are your own.  Understanding this and trying to see below the story, to the person and what their life experience has created, provides a space for great intimacy with others. 

Use body language intentionally. We’re constantly sending subtle clues with our body language that the person opposite us will subconsciously translate as signs of either for or against us. Knowing this, we can convey more connection by ensuring we maintain eye contact, lean in, smile and nod our heads or use the ‘high five’ signal to convey understanding and approval. 

Find their Divine nature. I like to say that God is in everyone and everything. When we decide to look beyond the stories shared and see the valuable, beautiful divine human before us, the energy of our interactions simply and powerful transform. 

In truth, we share so much in common; we simply need to commit to finding our similarities. When we do, the world shrinks, our fears begin to diminish and we find everyone to be more approachable, likable, “Our people”.

Here’s wishing you a very connected, love-filled experience in all the days ahead!