On Grief & Preventing the Spiral Blog: 5 Steps to Mastering Grief

Do you ever suffer from debilitating grief? 

Recently I found myself grieving the loss of my family. Since my divorce, nothing has been the same. If you’ve never experienced divorce, imagine your very foundation being ripped from beneath you. While you can try to prepare for it, there really is no way to brace yourself for the emotions that you’ll encounter when such a big change occurs. Similarly, losing a job you’ve invested years of time into, or the death of a spouse or child, big life set-backs most often create emotional spirals. 

How do we deal best with these events so that we regain our footing and stay productive? 

Here are my five step process for mastering grief so that you circumvent the infinite, downward spiral:

1. Expect and Allow.

In my own experience, there are days when the tears fall with no way to control them. My chest aches and my head goes foggy. It’s practically impossible to concentrate on my work or anything of importance. What I’ve learned about grief is that it can appear like a tsunami — unexpected, unannounced, uninvited. When I began to expect it and then allowed it to be, it felt as though the grip it held over me loosened.

Allowed the tears to flow. Allow the pain to well up into your throat. Allow your body to become heavy. Then…

2. Take control. 

In the moment that your grief starts to have momentum enough to pull you downward into that dark, spiraling pit - where you could become consumed for days on end, decide to take control. With mindful determination, decide that it will not own you. 

At the moment you feel your grief taking over fully, take control.  Focus on energetically erecting a retaining wall.  Much like the structures you see against the Malibu, California hillsides which prevent houses from being pulled into the ocean during winter storms,  visualize that you can construct your own barrier that prevents the grief from engulfing you and pulling you into a dark abyss.  Sit with your eyes closed and imagine that there is a solid boundary all around you. This ‘container’ allows you to be with your grief without the grief being in commond. Having created this boundary, you’ll find that you can move to the next step in the process.

3. Lose the judgment.

Grief takes on what the Zen masters call “The second death”, having judgment, shame, or fear about an experienced emotion. With judgment present, you stay trapped in the grief longer. With our container in place and choosing to give grief the space and time it needs to be processed, and by accepting it as a natural part of the human experience, you will find that it no longer feels so destructive. The intensity lessens. Next…

4. Find the gift or wisdom.

Once you can feel the grip of grief loosen, you now have the ability to ask what is the gift to be discovered by experiencing the grief. Put another way, you can ask what wisdom can be gleaned from your experience.. 

In the example of my divorce, I transformed grief into gratitude for what I had remaining after other things dissolved. Realizing what I was sad about also gave me more awareness for what I had gained from my marriage and my divorce.  I realized that I am so very fortunate to have two amazing daughters whom I love and with whom I’ve maintained a beautiful relationship, despite the tragedy of a marriage that didn’t last. And we are fortunate to have come through our divorce with our family intact (ironically). My X and I have created a new relationship that is respectful and compassionate and allows for us to co-parent in a new, perhaps even better way.  What a gift! 

Take time in this step to really ponder what is real and true about the blessings that have been created because of the pain you have endured.

5. Repeat (with enthusiasm).

Here’s the bummer: grief will most definitely show up again, likely at some unexpected and unwanted time and place. Just because you’ve done the work once doesn’t make the cycle end. Lean into the process, if possible with expectant joy of a beautiful outcome  (instead of the negative spiral). This inner-personal work is always a process. Healing isn’t linear but rather takes weeks, months, years. And, with the approach that I’ve outlined here, you’ll hopefully have the control you desire to be comfortable with your grief and grow from it. 

Be ok with what you feel. Feel it all and let it take you to new levels of wisdom!